Posts for category ‘Jokes’

One Sunday morning, an LDS bishop wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his first counselor and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able make it to sacrament meeting.
Way up in heaven, an angel sees all this and asks God, ”Are you really going to let him get away with this?”

”No, I guess not,” says God.

The bishop drives about four or five hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

The angel watches in disbelief and asks, ”Why did you let him do that?”

To this God says, ”Who’s he going to tell?”

 Or, is it a Demotivational Poster for the University of Utah? You decide. Mormons and their college football rivalry are usually good for humorous material. I could probably dedicate a whole section.

LDS actor James Arrington shared story of the prophet in the April 22, 1999 Provo Daily Herald:

…[A] man came bursting into Brigham Young’s office, crutches flying. He only had one leg, and he shouted, “Now, Mr. Prophet, I want you to give me another leg this instant. Otherwise, I will publish it abroad that you are not a prophet at all.”

President Young apparently told him that would be easy enough, but that consequences would result. Young explained that if he gave him another leg, it would rise with him in the resurrection – as would the other two legs. That meant the man would have to deal with three legs for all eternity.

Sacrament meeting was about to begin and a mother couldn’t find her son. She searched everywhere and finally located him sitting outside on the curb with his head in his hands. She said “Son, we have to go in now. Sacrament is about to start.” He responds, “I can’t go in there, Mom. Nobody likes me. No one will talk to me.” She says “But son, you have to go back in….You’re the Bishop.”

joke found at modernmollymormon

On her first Sunday in a Spanish speaking mission, a sister missionary was asked to give her testimony to the congregation. She approached the podium and, trying to convey how embarrassed she was she told the audience “estoy muy embarasada”. She then pointed to the bishop and jokingly said in Spanish, “and it’s all his fault”. This bishop’s wife stood up and stormed out of the chapel. After the testimony, the sister’s companion told her that “estoy muy embarasada” doesn’t mean I’m very embarrassed, it means I’m very PREGNANT!

A certain little Mormon girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Brother Sugarbrown’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”

The Bishop spoke to her at church, and said, “Aren’t you Brother Sugarbrown’s daughter?”

She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

Bishop Murphy walks into a ward in Provo, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”

The man said, “I do bishop.”

The Bishop said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the Bishop asked the second man, “Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”

“Certainly, bishop,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the Bishop.

Then Bishop Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t sir.”

The Bishop said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, “You are a man of the cloth… this is a free service that I offer to you.” The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.

The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again the barber refused payment saying, “You are a man of God… this is a free service that I offer to you.” The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi.

The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, “You work in the service of God… this is a free service that I offer to you.” The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.

When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise. However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there, and you would see BYU students out playing touch football, throwing Frisbees, etc., on the missionaries’ field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted, which read “Missionaries Only.”

The next day, BYU students were out on the field, playing touch football and throwing Frisbees. They had posted a new banner which read, “Every member a missionary.”

A Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest, and a TV evangelist were fishing from a boat in the middle of a small lake. The priest realized that he’d left his tackle box in his car, and, not wanting to disturb the other two, got out of the boat and walked over the water to the shore, got his gear, walked back, and started fishing.

An hour or so passed, and the bishop began to feel a little hungry. His lunch was back in his car, though. . . . So, he got out of the boat, walked over the water, got his lunch, came back, and nibbled on his sandwich.

The evangelist, not to be outdone, decided that he’d best go for a walk, too. He mumbled something about going to the bathroom, stood up, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and splashed into the lake.

The priest, chuckling, said to the bishop, “Think we should’ve told him about those submerged rocks?” The bishop replied, “what rocks??”